What is the meaning of this crazy thing we call life?
This question, “What is the meaning of this crazy thing we call life?” Hmmmmm, well, I am sure there are about a billion explanations from different people, but this is the perspective of a 34 year old woman that has been through a little bit of life.
The last few days have given me some perspective on how to explain this thing we call life that I really haven’t been able to explain until now. Understand that this is my opinion it’s not right or wrong, left or right, up or down, it’s just my perspective…
18 year old me- well, was I a bad person at the age of 18? My answer is No! At the age of 18 I was a selfish girl that was thinking about me and honestly I thought I had all the answers. Now, was this true? In the mind of my 18 year old self yes this was true because at the age of 18 we as people have this idea that we have answers that no one else had, we know more than those that are older than us because we being 18 year old people have a fresh perspective. Is this a bad thing? Some people will say yes that this is bad. I have to say that my 30 year old self would have slapped my 18 year old self, but I also believe that maybe I would have hugged myself because good for me for having those thoughts and ideas because at the age of 18 I wasn’t supposed to behave like a 30 year old woman.
Let’s fast forward to the age of 21- Wheeeew 21 is kind of a tough one… I was a girl that had a 15 month old baby boy! My mom just passed away and well, I didn’t know how to handle any of those things. There I was with this baby boy (a sweet baby boy that I had no idea how to take care of). I was without my Mom, my best friend the woman that was supposed to help me through this thing we call parenthood) and she was gone. This left me completely depressed and completely dumbfounded as to how to be a Mom… if that makes sense. Thankfully we serve an amazing God and even though I wasn’t praying as much as I should of or even really making time for him he still made sure to place some amazing people in our lives to help me along the way. I was fortunate to have good bosses that would allow me to bring my baby to work with me, I had a brother that would help out and watch him on the weekends, and a great friend that would help out on the weekends as well. I was able to attend school while working 3 jobs, in between all of that I would go out as a 21 year old does. It’s in those moments of being out that I would feel free… I wasn’t a momless girl, I wasn’t a mom, I wasn’t an employee. I was just a girl that liked to dance. So I did! There are some people that may view this as me being an irresponsible mom or a bad mom or a bad person, and everyone is entitled to the opinion that they hold. During that time my child was taken care of and I didn’t get handouts. Am I a different mom now than I was then, why yes yes I am and hopefully I will continue to grow and change as a mother as I grow and change.
22-27- Woah! This group of years I am going to group together because in my memory band they are kind of blurred together. This was a time of trials and tribulations! I got involved in a long term relationship that I knew wasn’t healthy from the beginning, but it was just so much better than being alone or so I thought. We broke up several times… I had several jobs, several addresses, and Jacob attended a couple of schools. This was a time of great confusion trying to figure out where I fit in this big world if I really did at all. I made several friends that were just passing through and that’s okay too. I took several classes and started down several paths… I didn’t know whether I was coming or going honestly, I was just at a loss of who I was. I sank into a deep depression, became a shell of myself. I gained some weight and even spend sometime planning a wedding, when I say planning I mean I spent time being told what kind of wedding to have. I looked into several different religions and with the wedding planning I was told that I needed to convert to Catholicism, (that was an adventure) It was during this group of years that I would just run my mouth without thinking before I spoke and I would do before thinking as well. At the age of 27 we called off the wedding 2 weeks prior to it happening… This was one of the most mortifying, relieving, terrifying moments in my life. a At any rate I call these years the dark years… not that there wasn’t any good because I have some amazing memories and moments that I experienced, it’s those moments that I will cherish, but as a person I was just a mess. I also look back and I am thankful for those dark years because even thought they weren’t the all sunshine and rainbows they were needed to help make me who I am. Was I a bad person or bad mom? No, I was just doing life the best I could at that time.
Well, 28 Closer to 30! WHAAAAAAT!! At the age of 28 I am fresh out of a break up and I felt like I was at a cross roads. I had to make some life changes! I had to find me again! I had to get my confidence back! Once again God was looking out because he placed some pretty amazing people in our lives to help us to get back on our feet and help me find my strength. I ran my first 5k! Understand that running isn’t something that I had ever done or enjoyed so this was a huge deal! it was at this age that I found new passions and wants and I felt like anything was possible! I started a new job, I changed my mentality to find the good in each day. Does that mean that this age was all happy days… Nope, it was scary and sad and absolutely crazy some days, but I had faith! Was I a better person at 28 than 27, nah, again I was doing life the best I could…
Fast forward to the present I am 34 years old and you are probably wondering where are you going with all of this… Well, during the years from 28 to now I have changed. I am a different person. I have different ideas, dreams, goals, wants, and needs. The point to all of this is that in life we are never really better than we once were… instead hopefully we are just different. I think the point to this crazy thing we call life is to continue growing and changing, continue having new goals and ideas, continue pushing yourself to be better each and every day than you were the day before. I don’t believe that we can ever be better than our younger selves because our younger are doing the best they can at that time. Our younger selves are being exactly as they should getting through life.
Looking at the pictures from each phase in life… The only thing that holds true is that they show change. Change is good and necessary.
I believe that there is no better you than you, the you just grows, evolves, and changes. That’s the beautiful thing about life. Don’t be so hard on yourself for the way you behaved or choices that you made in your past instead keep on keeping on! Choose to continue growing! Choose to continue changing! Choose to Embrace this beautiful thing we call life! Choose to Experience this Amazing world that we get to live on! Choose to Enjoy each and every moment that we are given because even those not so pretty moments are helping to shape you into a new you!