Phrases- “What just came out of my mouth?”

On a daily basis there are phrases that come out of my mouth and I have to say, “Wow, I never thought I would be saying that.” There are certain moments that happen and I go well no one prepared me for that… Things that occur and I have to go, “Am I being punked!? I must be being punked… Maybe I’m being filmed because there is no way that this is happening.

He poops in his dipe and as I say, “Chandler lay down so I can change you.” His response is along the lines of “Mom, get in poop!” I have to remind him Chandler I don’t want to get in your poop. I only want to change it and put a dry clean dipe on you.” He says with his high pitched sweet voice, “WHY” like there is something wrong with me that I don’t want to be in his poop for some reason… He goes on to say Mom, eat it! and laughs his little heart out… I calmly repeat Chandler, I don’t want to get in your poop nor do I want to eat it that is absolutely gross and we don’t eat poop! (As the words are coming out of my mouth I am thinking What in the hell did I just say) Did this just happen? Shaking my head and giggling to myself because no one put this in the baby book… No where in the first years was this talked about….

On to the next pee dipe change… He says Mom, I pay (play) with my manhood. Chandler please don’t do that… You can do that in your private time not while mom is changing you… He  then proceeds to say, “Mom I got a big one”…. I have to say okay but maybe we can just relax a little so that I can get this nice clean dry diaper on you… 
          I again have to just laugh to myself because this came out of left field.

Let’s take toddlers to the store!! It will be fun they said! It will be awesome they said! Until he takes his shorts off in the middle of the store… I ask, “What are you doing?” He responds with “No pants Mom!” Um…… We have to wear pants in the store bud we can’t just be taking our clothes off in the middle of the store… He then says, “Just leave it here Mom” We can’t just leave our stuff here. We have to take it home with us… WHYYYYYYYYYY…. I respond to his why question with because we paid for these shorts and they are orange your favorite color…. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy well one day you woke up and decided to like the color orange and then you found these shorts and wanted to wear them….. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY well, the simple answer is that I think that you like the fruit and that transferred over to you liking the color. Oh, Mom you get my shorts now.

How about taking a 4 year old to the store-  Mom, I have to poop!!!!! Oh okay let’s go. (the problem is that he refuses to use the girls bathroom…) So, how about he use the boys bathroom. He heads in and about 10 minutes later out walks a man…. There is a naked kid in there singing! (My face is 10 shades of red because I don’t even know what to say…. I politely ask him to stand watch by the door so that I can go in and asses the situation… I walk in and say, “Baby Pie why are you naked… You can’t get naked in these public bathrooms. Mom, I get to hott. I have to be naked to get it out.” 
Pretty sure this situation wasn’t in those precious first years books that I read either… 

Phrases:
We don’t eat cardboard
No, crayons are for coloring
Please don’t put that marble in your nose
No, don’t put your hands in the toilet
Please don’t drink that bath water that you just urinated in
Don’t bite the dog
Please don’t play with that it’s dog poop
That food is only for the dog not for the baby
Thanks, but I don’t want you to put lotion on the floor

There are plenty more…
I am getting to the point that life with a toddler is interesting every second of everyday… people tend to not talk about the realities… Everyone only puts the good stuff on facebook… I am here to tell you that our day is filled with messes, lots and lots of messes, lots and lots of why questions, lots and lots of running around with no clothes, and even ice cream for breakfast (this really happened today) lots of Mickey Mouse watching and coloring and trips to the library, trips to the grocery, and sometimes lots and lots of tears, screaming, and kicking…  trips to the beach, trips to school, and sometimes he eats a little too much candy, sometimes we stop and get McDonalds… Sometimes we have the most nutritious of meals… Sometimes he doesn’t want to eat anything but PB and J…. 

Don’t compare yourself to anyone else because we are all going through the same things… Kids will be kids…. It’s our job to do the best we can one day at a time. Not everyday is rainbows and butterflies but that’s part of parenting.

Also know that what happens in my house works…. and may not work in your house… This doesn’t make you a more superior mom or dad it just makes your life different. It’s important for differences…