Mother’s Day

As Mother’s Day approaches I have been reflecting on my last Mother’s Day with my mom. She had been in the hospital for what felt like forever, she was just getting worse and worse, but then she came home and she said that she wanted to do a big cookout for Mother’s Day. So, we got a big tent, a huge grill from the fire station, set up tables, and had a feast. The weather was perfect! The sun was shining and there was a cool calm wind. I remember laughing and feeling happy, but at the same time I remember watching her and thinking what would I do with out her? Thinking that she just had to get better. I remember the smile on her face and the sparkle in her eye that had disappeared for a while when things were bad. She was so happy to see everyone together, and I am sure that in her heart of hearts she knew that this was going to be the last Mother’s Day with us. I don’t think I will ever forget that day. It’s weird I can’t remember the conversations of the day, but I remember the sounds. I can’t remember all of the people, but I remember a few of my friends showing up to celebrate Mother’s Day with my Mom and how amazing it felt that I had such amazing people in my life. later that night as I was helping her get ready for bed I remember laying in bed with her and saying that I was scared and that I loved her so much. She explained that I didn’t have to be scared because everything was going to be alright. It was just a few days later and she was gone. We had to make the decision to take her off of life support and I can honestly say that is the single hardest decision I have had to face in my life. I miss her so much everyday… and my heart hurts so much to know that my sweet kids will never get to experience first hand the kind of Grandma that she was. I want so bad to be able to pick up the phone or get in my car and see her or talk to her and tell her all of the Amazing things that are going on in my life. I know that she is with me I do, but it just isn’t the same.

I guess the reason I am writing this and reminiscing about all of this is because I think that so many times we all get so caught up in “being busy” and the hustle and bustle of life… Chasing that next dollar, going to that next event, pushing for the next year, or the next day, and I think we all lose sight of today. I think having Chandler has made me take a step back and really embrace each stage as it comes never trying to rush the stages. He is going to be a year in a month… Where has the time gone. I remember when Jacob was a baby/todler and how different our lives were and how busy I was and really how selfish and I can’t take any of that and change it. I can just be thankful that I have learned and lived and grown. I can tell you that I am so thankful for the struggles that we had and how things have worked out. I now get to be a mom to 3 beautiful children… I remember saying to God… What are you thinking giving me this baby… What is wrong with you. There is no way I can take care of him the way that he deserves… Man am I thankful that he believed in my the way that he has. He has blessed me with not one, but three kids to love and embrace.

Being a Mom is so hard pregnancy is hard, but more just physically… Once those sweet gifts come out is the hard part… There is no rule book… Yes there are books and advice, but no one knows your baby/kid the way you do… Also, no one’s house hold is the same as yours. That is something that I struggle with is all of the judging. I don’t expect that what works in my house for my kids will work in yours… I have changed a lot in my thought process on parenting… I remember being so hard on Jacob and expecting so much from him at such a young age, which is fine, but it’s not fair. I have taken a step back and realized that they really are only young once. They grow up fast enough on there own. With Chandler I carry him, hold him, and wear him a lot… People are always talking about how we are spoiling him and he needs to know who the boss is… My response: He’s a baby and I can assure you we are not spoiling him we are loving him… I promise that once he is mobile as he is getting there he will want to walk and not want to be held anymore. I promise that when he is 12 he won’t be trying to climb into the front pack for me to put him on. 🙂 As far as us picking him up when he cries… My response: He is a baby he can’t speak so that is his communication. As an adult when I am sad or mad or whatever sometimes I don’t even know what is wrong I need someone to hold me, love me, show me compassion… It’s okay!! It’s okay to show love. It’s okay to teach our kids that they can cry and we are gonna be there. Having Ashley who is 14… She is at an emotionally confusing part in her life… She cries a lot, which is perfectly fine. Guess what we console her we show her compassion… If Chandler wants me to walk him… I walk him It’s kind of like if your kid wants you to color with him/her… You do that right? If you don’t you should! Also, our kids are having issues at school and we have told them that they don’t have to deal with any of that and that we will look into other options… There are people who say “That’s running away from a problem” No, No it’s not… It’s teaching our kids that they can say I don’t deserve this… I deserve to be happy and learn in a positive environment and that my parents are behind me 100 percent. Again, what works in our house doesn’t have to work in yours.

I guess as Mother’s Day approaches we should all just remember that our kids didn’t ask to be born. They are gifts! Such perfect little gifts that we get to have each and everyday for an unknown amount of time. While they are here let’s try so hard to embrace them. Also, if you have parents that are still alive… Remember that they have parented you the best way they knew how at the time… embrace that they are here and communicate that you are thankful that they chose to love you each and everyday. If your parents suck at life… Find those that chose to love you and embrace you and show them how much they mean to you… I don’t think that giving birth to a child makes you a mom.

Mom’s let’s not lose sight of what Mother’s Day really is… Don’t expect the biggest gift or the best dinner… Hope that you will get to wake up and see those most perfect smiles smiling back at you… and embrace that 🙂