Figuring out who you are

As the years fly by like a jet, but the days seem to drag on like a turtle crossing the road… I am forced to take a step back and just evaluate myself, my thoughts, my ideas, my wants, my needs, and how all of this impacts everyone and thing around me. What is my role in this huge, yet very small world… I am often looking up and asking God what his plan is as if I have the right to know…

I am often saying, “I didn’t sign up for this” or “I don’t want to be strong” “Why do I have to be the adult”

I went to meeting a few weeks ago and the guy said to me “Where do you see yourself in 5 years and even 10 years?”
Oh that boy… I replied back- This question is absurd! I can’t express how much I dislike these questions because they put unrealistic goals and thoughts in our heads. I went on to fill him in on how things can change in an instant and when that happens we are guilt ridden along with feeling hopeless and confused. The fact is that I am constantly living on a wing and a prayer and I can’t say where I will be  in 5 months from now let a lone 5 years from now. I say wing and a prayer because I want to fly and soar, but I also know that I can’t do that alone and that I need the big man upstairs to help me out each and every day…. He was like well don’t you think it’s good to have a plan…

I have a plan… I plan to embrace each day and be open to change and I plan to wake up each day and try my damndest to be the best person I can be. I am going to embrace being strong some days and I am going to embrace being absolutely weak and helpless some days. I am going to be open to change. I am going to pray and pray some more. I am going to focus on experiences rather than materialistic things. When something doesn’t go the way that I want it to or the way that I envisioned it to… I am going to try really hard to roll with the punches and understand that it’s bigger than me.

As a Mom, friend, partner, and everything in between I often catch my self having unrealistic expectations. I have been working really hard to let go of those expectations and really just trying to let people be who they are and I am working on not taking blame for other people and the choices they make. As  a person I am focusing on all the good that I do, I am focusing on the fact that I love completely and I want GREAT things for people in my life, I am focusing on offering opportunities, I am focusing on filling the people in my life with all the tools necessary to be the best people they can be. Now, in doing all of that I am also learning that just because we give the tools to get things done doesn’t mean that these things always happen. There are times where we have to accept that we can’t change anybody. There are times where we have to ask for help and there are times when we have to depend on a village to help. That doesn’t mean that we are giving up on or throwing in the towel like some people think… It simply means we are accepting that there are some circumstances that we aren’t capable of handling… I personally feel like learning how to say that and accepting that makes me extremely strong! That makes me understand that I am not the save all. That is me acknowledging that I don’t know everything.

As humans we are have a tenancy to judge what we don’t know. I know that I have said it a hundred times, but “What works in your house doesn’t and won’t always work in my house.” This is an easy phrase to say, but sometimes not so easy to believe or follow through with. I know that knowing what I know now and going though the things that I am and have gone through are changing me and my view points… I remember before having kids saying things like oh my kid will never throw fits like that, or oh my kid will never look like that in public or oh my goodness my kid will never talk or act like that. I will never parent like that… hahah A lot of NEVERS and WON’TS hahahah Well, I was wrong then and I am wrong now!

The fact is that we as humans fear what we don’t know…. we all fear change. We like to talk about change and then faced with the opportunity for huge change we come up with a reason or excuse on why we can’t make that change. This is true for all of us. I know that the me 5 years ago was a very different person that I am now.

I am actually loving my 30’s… Let’s be real I loved my 20’s for what they were and I wouldn’t change them, but wheeeeew my 30 something self would have probably slapped my 20 something year old self…. and that’s okay. I guess my point is that now in my 30’s I can say that I am finally learning who I am and what I really want. I think in my earlier years I never really knew what I wanted. I was completely confused and really just wanted what others told me I needed. I am to a point where I can say, I want to experience life! I want to experience experiences. I want to visit new places, and try new things. I want and need sunshine in my life. i want and need salt water in my life.

I know that I am going to continue to give love and understanding along with compassion to everyone in my life, but I am also going to let go and give it to God. I am going to stand strong on the choices that I make. I am going to be open to options and changes. I am going to continue to mess up, but I am going to continue to strive to be better. I am going to try really hard to not take blame for things outside my control.

Be positive! Accept change! Understand that  I can’t change anyone.