I am NOT Defeated!
Yesterday was one for the books- I allowed so many emotions and feelings to consume me and absolutely defeat me to the point that I didn’t move from the couch. I did the bare minimums- I took our 13 year old to school, came home, made some food for our 4 year old and sulked the rest of the day. Tears flowed from my eyes like Niagara Falls. I just kept replaying different events over and over in my head that just made me feel worse. Then I went a step farther and reverted back in time, looking at my entire life and how different things have played out.
These feelings and emotions just took me over! I felt alone because I didn’t feel like I had anyone that I could vent to, because my feelings of hurt and pain were directed at so many different events- I tried to vent to Josh, bless his heart he’s just not a good vent receiver- does that make sense? There are people that are awesome vent receivers they get mad with you, they get sad with you, and they just listen intently. He is wonderful in so many other ways, but vent receiving is hard for him because he is a fixer by nature, and he just offers a fixers mentality and as beautiful as that is, sometimes I’m not ready to pick up that tool box.
I realized something yesterday- I realized that my entire life I have been searching for approval, searching for a feeling of belonging, and running away from reality. I say this because it’s absolutely true. I mean from the time I was little I didn’t feel support from most of my family, I spent most of my time with friends because those friends felt like they cared more than my own family. It was almost as if I didn’t fit in from day one. I have tried and failed several things in my life, but I have also tried and succeeded at many things in life. The things that I have failed at were years ago, I mean over 10 years ago- well, the things that still get thrown in my face. Well, the thing with that is that I am a different person today than I was 10 years ago! You want to know something even more surprising I am a different person today than I was 5 years ago. Here’s another one for you I am a different person today than I was even a year ago. The beautiful thing about this is that I have grown and changed and i will continue to grow and change. I will continue to pursue challenges and goals that I have in front of me. I have graduated college, I am in the process of raising 3 children, I have created something that doesn’t even exist anywhere else. I have done things I never thought I would ever do- things like cloth diapering and breast feeding. I have taught myself how to crochet and sew. I have traveled and lived in multiple states. I have marked things off of my bucket list and I have added things I never even knew about to that list. I have even dabbled a bit in home schooling. I started coaching Cheerelading at my home town school. I took the team from a group of girls that couldn’t do anything and no one liked to a sport that started getting recognition. I was so proud of all the hard work that I put into it because they were really good! I mean they were doing things this school had never seen before- I even had a few boys want to join the team! I had spent countless hours putting together routines and looking up different things to do. I have started and maintained a blog that is beautiful! It is so positive and fabulous! It’s not perfect, but neither am I. Instead it is a beautiful hot mess just like me!
I have allowed myself to feel bad about people that will never accept me for too long! No more! I will continue pushing through! I will stop putting so much emphasis on this idea that “family” is supposed to have your back. and Instead I will embrace those that embrace me!
Basically I feel like my entire life I have tried to work really hard at different things in the hopes that my family would treat me different.
Have you ever felt like this? Have you allowed people like this in your life to completely debilitate you in a way that makes it hard to even want to get up? I get so angry with my self because I know that I should’t care so much, but the problem is that I have always put so much emphasis on family- I was adopted at an early age and my parents both passed away when I was young, and my mom would have these Sunday dinners and the memories are just perfect to an outsider, but I am realizing that those Sunday’s were just a thing of the past. I mean I feel like honestly nothing has changed my Mom was just really good at holding everything together and pursuing her family, even to the point of going to them even when they didn’t always go to her.
The worst part about this is that yesterday should have been a day that I celebrated another accomplishment- but instead tears and sadness filled my mind and heart. I accomplished a huge thing yesterday-
I published my first book! I am a published author on Amazon! This is something that I have been working on for a while now, and I finally finished and published it! It was such an AMAZING feeling to push that publish now button, but at the same time my nerves frazzled to say the least. I sent out some text messages to the people that mean the most to me and wouldn’t ya know it- I had 2 family members respond to me. 2 I sent 16 text messages! I had several friends respond with positive attributes, but 2 family members. My heart broke again into a thousand pieces. I sank deeper into defeat and just tried to sleep the day away.
Finally yesterday afternoon I had to go and get my older son from football and I made a choice to stop wallowing and get up. I put my workout clothes on and decided I needed a good sweat- I had a really good friend text me and tell me to shake it off and do some jumping jacks- Well stairs and a couple miles later I was feeling better. The run wasn’t pretty that’s for sure, but I did it! My 4 year old was impressed and that made my heart overflow. Then my older son got in the car and I showed him that I was published- The smile on his face was priceless! He was so excited that his Mom was an actual author! Seeing his face made me push out all the bullshit and realize that my accomplishments are awesome! We ran to the store, went home, I made dinner, and I decided to embrace the family that embraces me! My little 4 person family! They are supportive and loving and everything good in the world-
Fast forward to this morning- I woke up without my alarm at 6 o’clock. Decided to get dressed and head to the gym!
The image in the mirror shows a Strong Woman!
The truth is that I am feeling defeated and heart broken by a lot of different things in my life.
I refuse to add another thing to this list of defeat! I can’t control a lot of things, but I can control the image I portray in the mirror!
I won’t let my broken expectations of people, places, or things dictate how my image looks. I am Strong! I am Secure! I will keep pushing! I will keep adding items to the list that I overcame!
These things that people may have been able to break me in the past, but NOT anymore! The weak little girl that I used to be is NO MORE!
Yesterday my four year old just kept saying, “mommy why are you sad?” Mamma don’t worry, you are GREAT!
Hearing him say that and seeing the smile on my 13 year old’s face, and hearing my Amazing partner in life that just gives me positive reinforcements all the time and supports my crazy ideas!
No more will I fall victim to allowing people to bring me down! I will only embrace those that embrace me and my family. If a person decides to not go on this journey with us- They are the ones that are missing out!
No more should you allow people to bring you down! Get up and add something to your list of accomplishments! You are fabulous! Your accomplishments are Great! If you have people in your life that are’t supporting the things you’re doing then guess what- It is on them- They are the ones missing out on your great accomplishments.
Family and friends are people that build you up! Family and friends are people that support you and offer a hand! Family and friends are people that choose to help you be a better you- People that bring you down are just doing that because they don’t want you to succeed! The world is filled with people that want to see you fail- it’s a sad truth, but truth none the less.