Words Hurt –
Is there ever a time that you wake up in the middle of the night crying – and you can’t pinpoint why you are crying. This has happened twice in the last few weeks to me. Tonight, completely unexplainable.
Anxiety is REAL! You can’t just turn it off!
I am a feeler – I tend to “over feel” if that’s a thing. I went to bed happy. My kids are both sound asleep, my husband completely present… Wake up a complete mess – He just holds me, which is the best! I feel bad though because I know that he has to get up and head to work in the morning. The next best thing is a hot shower, and it was good. Here I am –
Unable to go back to sleep, feeling things that I haven’t felt or talked about for a long time. It’s even hard to type it because I know it’s not true and if it were someone else I would grab the computer and tell them they weren’t allowed to even think or feel the way that I am feeling…
I feel like I am NOT enough, like I have never really been enough. I lived in a trailer most of my life – sometimes referred to as “trailer trash” I tried to work hard when I was younger, but it always seemed to backfire. There would always be someone there to remind me “who or what I was” Remind me that what I was doing wasn’t good enough – Whether it was the car I was driving, the activity I was involved in, the clothes I was wearing, the jobs that I had…
I heard more than once to get off my “high horse” by the way this was said to me as a sixth grader. 🙁 I remember a few people laughing when I found out I was pregnant – I think it was something along the lines of won’t it be so funny when she gets “fat”.
I remember a couple of people making fun of me because apparently when I was 2 – I was at my Mom and Dad’s house (they adopted me officially at 3) and I was eating food from the trash (obviously because I was so hungry) My biological Mom had dropped me off. This was so funny – “Dumpster baby” I believe was the term that was used. How this could be funny to anyone is beyond me. I don’t know about you, but it breaks my heart. Yet, I was called, “spoiled”. Even though the first 3 years of my life I was told that I spent most of it in dirty clothes with not enough to eat, and without a stable homelife.
Thankfully, God had bigger plan and placed Luke and Norma Hise in my life and they decided that I was enough and they wanted me as their own.
I continue to fight really hard to not let these things affect me, but they do. It hasn’t stopped it has just changed…. Now it’s directed at my parenting and has been for years.
I’m not writing this as a “pitty” me, but instead as a way to bring light to the fact that words hurt!! We were told as kids that “sticks and stones might break my bones, but your words will never hurt me” This is the most untrue statement ever! Words stay with us, they hurt! The worst part is that it wasn’t kids that said these things to me – it was grown adults! Most of them my family…
This is why I strive to spread awareness! I try to spread light! I try to let people know they are enough! We are enough! We are “Children of God” He chose us! He chooses us! Try not to let other people’s hate define you.
I am struggling today, and I know it’s okay for me to feel all these feeling! They are big and it’s okay to let them out – I think I am feeling so much because we are constantly told that we should put a smile on our face and “fake it till we make it” The truth is that it’s healthy to feel not good enough! It’s healthy to feel sad! It’s okay to feel mad! It’s okay to feel completely lost! It’s completely healthy and normal to feel everything in between, it’s not the feelings that are unhealthy – it’s the actions that happen after the feelings. I use this blog as an outlet.
There was a time in my life – I was driving an 02 chevy cavalier, I was working as a bartender and I had added a few extra pounds…
I felt so proud of myself at this time because my car was paid off, my job was what I enjoyed doing, and I wasn’t concerned about the weight… Then the comments started – they started out as jokes, about the car, about the job, about the weight… As they persisted so did my feelings of feeling like shit! What did I do?? I started working out, I traded my car in, and got a different job… What happened?? The new car got repossessed, I racked my credit cards up, and I quit the workout program, and I didn’t make enough at the new job… Wheeeeeewwwww~ Then I really started to feel like shit! It took me years to come back from that.
I want to share my story so that maybe I will help even one person… because we all have people in our life that are toxic and it’s really hard to distance ourselves, but know this climbing an entire set of stairs is hard, but climbing on step at a time YOU ARE CAPABLE! We are capable!