Throwing in the Towel

I sit here and I think about life and society and the things we are taught, things that are socially acceptable, and the need for constant approval. I look at me as a whole and I know that I try and be a good person, I try and be a good mom, I try to be a good partner, I try to be a good friend, and so much more. I know that I fail at each of these elements on a daily basis. Here’s my take on it…

There are days that I just feel like I have failed at life for- instance I don’t get the house cleaned, I don’t get a shower, I don’t get dinner cooked, I don’t remember that appointment, I am not very nice to complete strangers for no apparent reason, or whatever it is… On those days I don’t want to end my life. Because I know the good me. Throwing in the towel is not an option!

There are days that I espically fail at being a Mom… This happens more so than not… For instance last week I realized that poor Jacob was wearing shoes that were 3 sizes to small for growing feet, the week before that I had his game time wrong and he missed that. There have been multiple times that I have bought Ashley something and it is 3 sizes too small because in my mind she is little. Last weekend she reminded me that she needed to go to the school to get her basketball shoes and well I didn’t remember until 9 that night and that girl had to play ball in her trainers… Poor Chandler on Monday stayed in the pajamas he slept in all day, and well that same thing happened yesterday. I am a scatter brain.. Sometimes I don’t want to cook so I let them eat whatever they desire for dinner… Some days I just have moments where I don’t want to be around them… On these days or moments doesn’t mean that I am going to throw in the towel and decide not to be a mom any more. It’s not an option

I try and be the best partner I can be, but I epically fail at that often! When we got the huge snow storm and Josh was at work… I walk out to my car get in because I have some where to go, and I get stuck in the drive way… Tell my why my first reaction was “This is his fault” because some how he made it snow, he made my car a 2 wheel drive car, he made me not leave with enough time to plan for things to happen so I wouldn’t be late for my appointment… How jacked does all of that sound??? Super but in the moment what do I do… I call him while he’s at work… ahhh and that’s one example… there are other days where i am just tired and I take it out on him or I am emotional and I do the same… we argue like any couple. There are times where I might think I just need a moment… however when those things happen I never think to myself I want to exit the situation (the situation being us) I love him, I love us, I love our family. I remember that the moment isn’t him and me it’s a small minute moment. I think sometimes when couples fight and  get mad that means they don’t love that person any more… The fight has nothing to do with them most of the time it has to do with mis-communication or something outside the control that they have… Throwing in the towel isn’t an option! 

I think in society it has become the norm that we just throw in the towel in certain areas of our lives because “it’s easy.” Mom’s just walking away from the children that they housed because they somehow need to find themselves… It’s somehow the kids fault that they aren’t happy. Dad’s just walking out because they don’t have time for that, the situation with the mom isn’t the best… Whatever the reasoning! There are people just killing themselves because that’s somehow the easy way how because “life is too hard” people just getting divorced or separating because the “honey moon” phase is done… All of these area’s of life take work and effort and some days your going to fail, but some days your gonna rock the faces off and those are the days that you hold on to. Those are the days that I hold on too. When someone says “remember when you failed here” my response remember when I rocked your face off here… 

I’m not perfect and I am never going to be, but I am never going to stop trying. I am going to fail a lot, but I’m gonna win a lot. I’m going to laugh a lot, but I’m also going to cry a lot! I’m going to sleep a little (when the baby allows that or my mind stops racing at all times…, but I’m going to dance just as much! I’m going to over analyze a lot, but I’m going to strive to live in the moment! I’m going to yell a lot about stupid shit, but my goal is to relax and not sweat the small things…. 

I think as a whole we are in dyer need to unlearn certain things that we have been taught… things like in order to be that perfect woman…. your house must be clutter free, your kids must never make messes, kids must fit the norm mold and if they don’t there’s something wrong… You must cook a great dinner every night… you get the point..

My goal is to hopefully remove all of these ridiculous ideas from my head and focus more on just being a loving parent, a listening friend, and an accepting partner in the future.